Understanding Life

i dont do many things people normally do at my age or whatever

drinking: i used to drink, a lot. ever since i was 13, i know how to mix drinks. i know how to get wasted in less than an hour. i know how to get drunk with only 7 or 8 dollars. sure, whenever i got drunk with my friends it was fun, we always made stupid jokes and did the funniest things like jumping from a bench or running across the beach. it was fun. i used to drink because even though i was with my friends and stuff, i felt lonely. probably since at home i have nobody except my dogs. and sometimes i drank too much, to teh point that i fell, and had to be carried around. to the point that i got slapped in the face, but that was a stupid reason that asshole did that. always waking up with the worst headache, always wanting to throw up. bruises on my keens and elbows because of how much i fell over. “it was worth it. we had an awesome time” i suppose. but lately, ever since ri stopped drinking about 6 months ago, when i drank again after my break up, i thought “im gonna drink until i forget everything” but after the first 2 beers i was like ..”this is pretty stupid” cause it doesnt really matter what i do, i wont stop thinking about it. and i dont wantt o harm my body by drinking excesivly, if by the next morning i’ll be like “fuuuuuuuck why the fuck did i drink this muchhh!!” and then it’ll hit me that it was becuase of the break up and stuff. i choose not to drink cause it’s pointless to me. sure i drink the ocassional social beer, but just one. and since i dont go out so much to drink it rarely happens. but sure i can drink one drink when im out. but not getting wasted or anything.

smoking:
A- weed: i used to smoke weed. teh first time i got high was in my friends house. she was like just try it, and i had always been curious about it. i took a few hits and after a bit i was feeling so rad. it was pretty fun, cause we were smoking in teh kitchen while her grandmother and her father were in their rooms about 10 feet away. we ate some waffles that tasted beyond words and then went to bed, slept liek a baby. after that i spent more time with her, and i kept smoking weed. it felt awesome being high. one other time we snuck out of her house at 1am to buy weed and smoke it at another friends house and we were all sitting in a circle in the backyard, we smoked soooooo much. i started giggling and they were like “lolz you’re high right?” and iwas like “lol i feel like im being tickled on my legs… lol i cant even feel them now ” and we were all laughing and just being chill. we went back to her house at 4 am. and after that we just kept smoking every now and then. one day, i drove her to buy some weed. and we went to a park to smoke with a few otehr people. and after smoking she gave me a little weed for myself to smoke at home. so after saying goodbye, ads i started driving away, while being super high, i started forgetting where teh fuck i was, it felt liek i was dreaming. so i kept looking at the clock on the car. at that time i was in highschool, and i was driving over to my ex’s house and i obviously know where he lived, but since i was high, i was thinking so many things and took anotehr road cause tehre was traffic, and when i stopped at a red light i wss like “wait.. why thefuck did i go here?” and i saw the clock and thought that what i had just done i had only imagined it. so i started freaking out, and i called him, trying to disguise it, cause he didnt like that i was smoking weed and shit [lame] so iwas like “heeeeeey whats upppp?” and he was like “nothing? just doing homework” and by this point the light changed and i weas tunring around, and as i was driving and he was talking i freaked out again cause i forgot where i was going so i was like “fuck fuck fuck where the fuck am i?” and he was like “uh wtf is going on?” and i didnt want to say i was high but i had to cause i didnt know where iwas [i knew where i was of course but it felt like i was lost and didnt know wherei was] so i just sayed “im high i dont know where i am, i dont even know if im here” and he started cussing and swearing and calling me all the names possible and was like “where the fuck are you?” and i told him my direwctions and we agreed to meet up at this church [lol] and all teh time i was waiting tehre i was like “wait why am i here? why am i sitiing here? oh right right. im waiting… but wait why am i sitting here? why am i waiting? .. oh right right . fuck he’s gonna kill me. i should leave. no i cant go home” and so on. after he got there he opened my door and chekced my eyes and started cussing and shouting at me again.. i was high so i disnt really pay attention. i felt all weightless and shit so i was like “dude, can you stop shouting? you’re scarring the birds bro” so that got him more mad, and whatever.after a few hours and drinking a looot of whatever i was fine again. lol didnt talk to him in a few days. bleh whatever. like when i tell that story from anotehr persons perspective it’s fucking hilarious. and i laugh when i tell the story. but whatever. the last time i smoked weed was in my house. 1am. i took 3 hits or so. while i was talking on the phone.. and out of nowhere i started seeing these white dots across the room. so i was like “oh ok im high, sweet ^^” but then for some reason i started thinking of teh incident i just told. and right tehre i was like “fuck.. not again… fuck.. where teh fuck am i? this isnt my room?.. is it? ” so i tried to force myself to sleep,but my body was shaking sooo much. and i thought it was the cold air. so i walked out of my room to the guest room and i kept shaking a lot. so after thinking it through i went to my parents roo mand woke up my mothr and told her that my chest is werid and i feel like im not here. and after trying and trying i convinced her and we went to the hospital [lol i know i know] we got tehre i still didnt know where iwas, and they did tests on me so iwas liek “fuuuck i hope the weed doesnt come up on the blood samples” but teh yonly said my blood pressure was really high” after that night is when my anxiety attacks started. cause from that day forward to today and probably the rest of my life, i keep dpubting if im really here. i stop and think, is this really happening? i have that debate with my self daily and its really scary most of the time. thats why i really dont like change. i like htings how they are, like if my bed is a certain way, i want it that way cause if i change it i’ll get more confused if its real or not.. this is one of teh main reasons i dont like the fact that me and Dev broke up. caue he had such a huge impact in my life that the fact that he’s gone just doesnt sink in. nd doenst let me move on. thats why its had been more than hard for me to cope with thissituation. but anyways. i dont smoke weed so i dont go through that again.. although i dont havea problem second hand smoking. i actually liek the scent of weed. the smoke teh herb. it smells pretty nice. i dont mind when people smoke around me. people high are pretty funny. and the world is peaceful if people were high. im all for legalizing it. just rather not smoke it. [its complicated i knwo lol]
B- cigarettes: i normally smoked them when i drank a lot, cause it would get me super drunk for some reason lol. but i really hate the scnet of it when i would wake up with a hangover. i dont mind smoking them , but i have a little fear of getting cancer on my latiroid cause thats what killed my moms aunt, she had latiroid also, so thats always on my mind. but i think its mostly the scent when it stays on me. at least weed didnt get stuck on my clothes, it faded pretty fast. but cigs stay on your clothes for liek ever lol. i dont mind at all if people smoke around me. i just sometimes smoke sometimesn ot. i ratehr not smoke. but like drinking, teh ocassional cig doesnt bother me.

going out: yes i do have friends, but i dont like going out that much since things here are getting super bad in the streets. i rather stay at home play PS3. or skate down my street. i ratehr have friends over or i go to someones house. i fel safer in a house.